Could Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Have Helped Kurt Cobain?

December 8, 2008 | 5 Comments

Yesterday I watched the biopic ‘About a Son’ in which Kurt Cobain discusses his childhood, music career and views on life. An edited version of 25 hours of interview tapes recorded a year before he committed suicide, the film offers some insight into the negative thought patterns that seemed to be driving Kurt towards taking his own life.

From the film  I got the impression that Kurt exhibited many of the characteristics and symptoms of someone who suffers from social anxiety disorder.

Unhappy childhood

His childhood was blighted by an unaffectionate parent and problems at school from feeling isolated and bullied by the other kids. He comments how he used to feel constantly paranoid and threatened by other people, and even had thoughts of violence because of it.

If you suffer from a lack of affection, a difficulty to connect with other people and social awkwardness then this can lead to an irrational fear, distrust or hatred of other people in adult life. And it’s believed by psychotherapists that the underlying thought processes which lead to social anxiety disorder are formed by unhappy childhood experiences.

Kurt was known to be a recluse, withdrawn and rarely engaged with other people if he could avoid it, typical symptoms of someone who suffered from social phobia.

Kurt’s answer to his troubling thoughts and his chronic stomach pains was to self medicate with opiates and heroin, which would have offered temporary escape but exasperated his problems in the long run.

A life without hope?

Nobody really knows what drove someone who was wealthy, successful and had a baby girl to feel that life was so futile that suicide was the only escape from their misery. But it’s likely that it was his inability to overcome his troubling thought patterns that made his life seem so intolerable.

Now I’m not an expert on Kurt Cobain and haven’t read any of the books on his life, but from my perspective it seems that he could have benefited from cognitive behavioural therapy.

Social phobia and other social anxiety disorders are driven by irrational, negative thought patterns. If Kurt could have been helped to understand how it was the unhelpful childhood experiences driving his subconscious hatred of people and gloomy outlook on life then maybe he could have been directed onto another path.

You feel the way that you think

The way our brains respond to the world around us is a complex puzzle which psychologists and therapists are still making sense of.

But if the brain has been programmed to think in an unhelpful way because of a troubling childhood then, with practice and patience, it can be reprogrammed to think in a more, realistic and helpful manner.

Perhaps if Kurt had learned to challenge his negative thoughts and to replace them with more objective ways of thinking then he might still be with us today, and writing more optimistic songs filled with life and hope because of it.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Uncategorized, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

What is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and How Does it Help Reduce Anxiety and Depression?

September 29, 2008 | 1 Comment

[Photo courtesy of kalandrakas]

If you suffer from anxiety, social phobia or depression then you might think it’s other people or situations that make you feel nervous or unhappy. If people weren’t rude or stared at you then you wouldn’t need to feel miserable or anxious, right?

Well, extensive clinical studies (400+ in fact) have shown that it’s the unhelpful thoughts events provoke which make you feel uncomfortable, rather than purely the situations themselves.

Over the last fifty years, a number of clever people (Aaron Beck and Arnold Lazarus being two) put their heads together to make sense of why some people react differently to things than others.

As a result, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) was born, which is a form of psychotherapy for changing negative thought patterns (cognitions) into healthier, positive ones.

CBT is a common sense, problem solving approach to discovering how to think and behave in a more objective, happier manner, and reduce uncomfortable feelings as a result.

You feel the way that you think

If you developed a negative outlook as a child (e.g. from being neglected, bullied or mistreated in some way) then you probably tend to view the world in a gloomy light. You might have grown up thinking that you’re worthless, other people are unfriendly and that only bad things will befall you.

Developing a negative outlook is what can cause anxiety or depression in adult life, because your ability to respond logically to situations is hampered by your unhappy childhood memories. Thinking negatively all the time means you only see the bad in people and situations, rather than responding to them objectively.

As a result, if people are rude to you or if you do something stupid or embarrassing then you probably mull over it for ages afterwards, and think it means your unacceptable or worthless in some way.

Changing the way you think will change how you feel

With depression the world’s biggest (and growing) mental health issue, it’s unsurprising that so many drug companies are offering ‘miracle cures’ in pill form.

However, studies have shown that medication alone can’t mend the deep rooted thoughts and feelings which are making you feel uncomfortable. Medication can only soften the symptoms.

In studies, CBT has proven to be more effective than medication on its own. So it’s no surprise that over the last couple of decades CBT has grown in popularity with therapists, doctors and psychologists because of its effectiveness in helping people to think, feel and behave in a healthier, more positive way.

In fact, a UK government advisor on happiness believes CBT could reduce unemployment by helping more people back into work.

Skills that can help you for life

When people with depression stop taking their medication they can start feeling miserable again almost immediately. CBT, however, teaches people how to challenge negative thought patterns and provides them with strategies for feeling better about themselves. In a way, CBT enables you to become your own therapist.

CBT can be practiced in a group, on your own through a self-help course or with a therapist. As well as practical exercises for discovering how to think more healthily, you’ll also receive guidance on additional strategies, such as the importance of exercise, how to be assertive and discovering how to be more active, which will help to reduce your symptoms.

Overcoming anxiety or depression won’t happen overnight. In fact, it can take months before you’ll find your new ways of thinking taking hold and improving how you feel.

However, the amount of research, clinical studies and popularity amongst mental health practitioners on the effectiveness of cognitive behavioural therapy means discovering it should be at the top of your list if you suffer from anxiety, social phobia or depression.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, social anxiety disorder 

UK School Kids Given Lessons on How to Be Happy

September 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment

You feel the way that you think, and now UK school children are being taught how to think more positively to help them cope with the stresses of teenage life. Initially, 1500 11-year olds from 22 schools are being given lessons on how to assess situations objectively, how to be assertive and many other skills that can help them cope better with emotionally difficult situations. If the scheme is a success then it could be expanded into class rooms on a national scale.

The scheme uses lessons taught in the USA by the Penn Resiliency Program, based in Philadelphia, which adopts tried and tested cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to ‘detect inaccurate thoughts, to evaluate the accuracy of those thoughts, and to challenge negative beliefs by considering alternative interpretations’.

Teaching children cognitive behavioural therapy could help them avoid problems later on in life

Whilst some might remember their school days with fond memories, childhood can be a difficult period because of peer pressure, the desire to fit in and having to cope with all the struggles of teenage life.

Psychotherapists believe that it’s during childhood that you form your belief system: opinions on yourself, other people and the world around you. Upsetting childhood experiences, such as being neglected or bullied, can lead to problems later on in life because of the negative associations you attach to similar situations.

So equipping impressionable school children with the skills to identify inaccurate, unhelpful thoughts and then to replace them with healthier, happier ways of thinking could prove invaluable in helping them grow into secure, confident adults.

Treatment for anxiety and depression is a global issue

In a 2006 international survey UK children ranked bottom for happiness and well being. Some blame celebrity culture, with its focus on money and possessions, for giving children an unhelpful value system (although the problem is far more complicated than a single root cause). However, teaching them how to feel confident and secure, without needing the latest designer clobber or the approval of others, could be coming at just the right time.

Awareness on the effectiveness of cognitive behavioural therapy, for treating anxiety and depression, is spreading all the time. The UK’s ‘happiness tsar’ Professor Richard Layard even believes it could help people living on benefits to get back to work.

With depression the world’s biggest mental health problem, teaching more people cognitive behavioural therapy (whether self taught, with a therapist or in a group) could make a positive impact on not just on the lives of children but society in general.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, cognitive behavioral therapy, depression 

eBook released - ‘How You Can Overcome Social Anxiety’

August 11, 2008 | 1 Comment

cover

Well, it took four months and more sweat and tears than planned, but my eBook ‘How You Can Overcome Social Anxiety’ is now finally finished and up for sale on the site. It’s designed to be a clear, concise guide to social anxiety: what causes it, why you might suffer from it and, more importantly, what you can do to reduce the symptoms enough so they don’t impede your enjoyment of life.

Whilst there are already some excellent books and websites out there providing plenty of useful information, I thought some people would be happy to pay £4.50/$9 for a collated guide which provides an overview of social anxiety and what they can do to reduce the symptoms. It can be read through in under an hour, but its real value comes from printing out the worksheets, grabbing a pen and working through the exercises that teach you how to identify your negative, anxious thoughts and replace them with more objective, healthier ways of thinking.

Anxiety affects millions around the world

When I first started researching anxiety at the start of the year I was amazed to discover how many people suffered from it, with 15 million Americans and 2.3 million people in the UK estimated to suffer from an anxiety disorder. What also surprised me was the number of people searching on the internet daily for help in overcoming their symptoms.

Social anxiety is a complicated and a difficult problem to overcome, with a variety of personal issues and extremities causing people to distrust and even fear people they don’t know. If it goes untreated then it can lead to depression because of the withdrawal from an active life interacting with other people.

Social anxiety CAN be overcome

I’m not claiming to offer a miracle cure (unlike the drug companies), but cognitive behavioural therapy can provide people with the mental thought processing skills to identify the negative thoughts driving their anxiety and replace them with more helpful and healthier ways of thinking.

You feel the way that you think, and with practice and patience, your new ways of thinking can take hold, become your automatic beliefs and reduce your anxiety as a result.

My hope is that my eBook will provide anybody who suffers from social anxiety their first steps towards recovery. The complexity of social anxiety (and the fact that overcoming it means rewiring the way that you think) means that everyone has to find their own path towards recovery.

However, along with my eBook, there are plenty of resources and support out there to help you find your way. And I for one will be continuing to post articles every week offering tips and advice on how to overcome social anxiety for good.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

Think you’re lazy? Here’s how to be more active

June 26, 2008 | 4 Comments

lyingbed

[Photo courtesy of Ingorrr]

One of the (many) problems with social anxiety disorder is that it can affect your motivation to get out there and do things. The fear of negative evaluation by others might mean you prefer the safety of your bed, rather than face (usually misinterpreted) stares of disapproval.

However, human beings by nature need to be stimulated. And avoiding activities will simply make you feel worse rather than better. Being isolated can make you feel depressed. So the best antidote to changing the way you feel is to change the way you think and behave.

If you lie in bed all day waiting for the motivation/desire/energy to do something then you’ll be waiting a longtime. Instead you’ll find that doing literally anything other than nothing will raise your mood, boost your confidence and give you the drive to be more active.

Why am I so lazy?

First of all, don’t make the mistake of ‘labelling’ yourself ‘lazy’. As a human being you’re too complicated to define yourself by a single word or phrases. You might be lazy ’sometimes’. But that doesn’t mean you have some sort of genetic imprint that prevents you from getting dressed and doing stuff.

Here are a few of the common excuses (particularly if you suffer from social anxiety disorder) that might pop into your head to avoid getting stuff done:

  • ‘I don’t feel like it’ - it’s a myth to think that you have to wait to ‘feel’ like doing something before you can do it. It’s only after experiencing the rewards of achieving something that you’ll find the motivation to do more. Even little things, like cooking yourself dinner rather than eating dry toast, will improve your mood because of the beneficial outcome from your activity.
  • ‘I’m too depressed’ - you feel the way that you think. So if you lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling tormenting yourself over your latest (perceived) social faux pas then you’re not going to feel like going on a 10k bike ride. The best way of fighting your depression is to change the way you think. Being active and pursuing fulfilling goals, whether it’s teaching yourself Spanish or learning to cook, is what will banish the black clouds in the long run.
  • ‘I might fail’ - So what? Nobody is good at everything. And we all have our strengths and weaknesses in life. Thinking you shouldn’t play tennis or attend a job interview because you might not get the outcome you want is only going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. To get better at things you have to practice. And there are enough hobbies, sports and jobs out there for you to find one you get satisfaction from.

Remember that thinking you must win at something or must get the job is a rigid way of looking at things. You should give yourself some flexibility and have preferences for the outcomes you’d like rather than rigid success/failure demands.

So how do I get myself out of bed?

A tried and tested method of beating the bedridden blues is taught by Dr David Burns in ‘Feeling Good’. He suggests writing out a time table for what you’d like to get done each day.

This can include the minor things, such as getting dressed and reading the paper, right up to shopping or attending a dinner party. At the end of the day you then rate out of five the satisfaction you found in the completion of each task. The easier tasks might only rate as a one, but the more demanding challenges could rate as a four or five.

What you should find is that the sense of accomplishment you get from scoring your activity each day will drive you to do more. Having a schedule also helps you to structure your time and keep yourself occupied.

Gradually, you should also find that you start pushing yourself to keep improving your score and pursuing ever more demanding tasks.

The list of things you could do is limitless. But here are a few ideas:

  • Learn a new musical instrument
  • Learn a new language
  • Read a book (I’d highly recommend ‘Feeling Good’)
  • Take up jogging (exercise is a great anxiety reliever)
  • Start an eBay shop for some extra cash
  • Decorate your bedroom to create a bright, warm atmosphere
  • Learn to cook spicy Thai dishes
  • Start writing a blog (doing something creative is always recommended for providing an outlet for expressing your social anxiety disorder)
  • Practice meditating (also recommended for anxiety treatment)

So, if you’re currently lying in bed, feeling glum and reading this on your laptop - start writing a list of all the active things you could be doing.

Remember that you feel the way that you think. So start giving yourself a daily dose of uplifting brainwaves from pursuing fulfilling goals, and banish the bedridden blues for good.

thaifood

[Photo courtesy of SqueakyMarmot]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

The Advantages of Being Shy

June 18, 2008 | 2 Comments

thoughtful

[Image courtesy of andy_c]

If you suffer from shyness then you might daydream about swaggering into a party and captivating an audience with your witty anecdotes and smooth one liners. Whilst being confident and attracting attention has its advantages, you shouldn’t discount the qualities of being someone who holds back a little until you feel comfortable around strangers.

Being shy shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed of. But instead merely an aspect of your multifaceted personality.

If being shy or socially anxious is causing you problems then there are ways of overcoming it. But it’s not something you should think you have to be ‘cured’ of to be happy and attractive to others.

Polite and considerate

Shyness and anxiety are merely your body’s defensive mechanisms for staying alert to potential dangers. Whilst most learn to get used to the situations that made them shy as children, many people continue to feel bouts of anxiety as adults.

Being shy can get in the way when you meet people for the first time, and you just want to relax and be yourself. However, the flip side of the coin is that it also gives you the ability to evaluate situations before jumping straight in.

When you’re feeling shy, you might find yourself planning a route through the minefield of potential social mishaps. Whilst you should learn not to worry so much about exposing your weaknesses (which drives your fear of humiliation), the ability to be mindful of saying or doing the wrong thing can be a good thing.

Your efforts to not tread on anybody’s toes or cause offense means people will think you’re polite and considerate, whereas people who aren’t shy enough can  seem overpowering, pushy and self opinionated.

Being shy means you’re more likely to take the time to assess the appropriate thing is to say or do, rather than blunder into a dinner party, take someone else’s seat and then boast about your pay rise when someone else at the table has recently been fired.

Friendships based on quality rather than quantity

People who are shy are sometimes perceived as having an air of mystery about them, or hidden depths just waiting to be revealed. This can be an attractive quality. And can make people curious enough to try and break down your defensive walls to discover the real you.

The people with whom you form friendships will appreciate the confidence you’ve placed in them by letting your guard down. You in a turn are more likely to be a loyal and considerate friend. As a result the friendships you do form tend to have deeper roots and be longer lasting.

Whilst you might not always dominate the conversation. You’re likely to be an attentive listener and adept at asking the right questions, which is a valued characteristic in any relationship.

Independent, resourceful and thoughtful

Whether you consider yourself to be an introvert, shy or socially anxious, there’s a lot of positive skills you’ll have built up due to your personality type.

Spending a lot of time on your own can make you feel isolated. But it also means you’ve had to be self reliant and independent in pursuing your own interests and priorities. This resourcefulness can enable you to be more adept in looking after yourself, and less reliant on others to help you overcome life’s obstacles.

The anxiety of shyness might also mean you spend a lot of time pondering over situations - what went wrong, how it could have gone better. Once you’ve learnt how to assess life’s episodes objectively, you can learn to divert your thoughtfulness to better use by thinking through events more clearly and planning how you’ll approach them better in the future.

Mental strength

Being shy might (at the moment) be causing you problems in life and making everyday activities difficult, such as being assertive at working, dating or interacting with strangers in the street.

But there’s a proven, goal orientated approach to overcoming social anxiety in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT teaches you first to accept your shyness and then how to reduce it so it doesn’t inhibit your enjoyment of life.

And the sense of achievement, mental strength and improved ability to cope with life’s demands is perhaps the biggest long-term benefit of all from accepting your anxious feelings and taking steps to overcome them.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, cognitive behavioral therapy, shyness, social anxiety disorder 

Am I Socially Anxious or Just Shy?

June 12, 2008 | Leave a Comment

shy

[Image courtesy of Vaqawi]

Shyness is a common emotion during childhood, with 80% estimated to have felt a bit nervous when meeting strangers or on their first day of school. Half of those then continue feeling shy in certain situations during adulthood, such as going to parties or talking to strangers in the street. Feeling shy is a natural emotion, but problems occur when shyness becomes so uncomfortable that it makes you want to avoid social situations altogether.

Whilst social anxiety was diagnosed as a psychological disorder in the 1960s, the definitions of shyness and social anxiety continue to be blurred.

However, the techniques for treating both are the same.

Shyness is a natural emotion

Shyness is common in childhood because it’s a necessary part of growing up. Shyness (and anxiety) were needed for survival in our evolutionary past. They are what kept our ancestors on their toes and alert in more dangerous times.

In modern life for many people shyness subsides as they develop a better understanding of the world around them, and learn not to feel threatened by strangers or anxious in unfamiliar surroundings.

Of the 40% who continue to feel shy occasionally as adults, such as in job interviews or talking to groups, most don’t find it enough of a problem to seriously impede their lives.

It’s when shyness grows into the more severe symptoms of social anxiety, along with its black cloud of depression, that the impact can be quite debilitating.

Why social anxiety develops

Most people grow out of their shyness as they learn to interact with strangers and familiarise themselves with the situations that made them feel awkward. However, for those unable to develop these skills then their feelings of unease can grow into an almost paralysing fear of negative evaluation and rejection from other people.

Whilst doctors and psychologists are still debating a definitive reason, there is scientific evidence to suggest that genetics, childhood environment and early experiences all play a role in whether common shyness develops into more severe social anxiety. It’s generally understood that if you’ve had negative experiences when feeling shy as a child, such as being ridiculed or bullied, then painful feelings can reemerge whenever you subconsciously link current events to your past.

What you then need to do is to learn how to identify those irrational automatic beliefs and replace them with more helpful, objective thoughts and feelings.

Learning to overcome shyness and social anxiety

Whether you just feel shy around people you don’t know or suffer social anxiety’s fear of rejection, the methods for treating both are the same. The answer isn’t in pill form, but a combination of relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies.

In the last couple of decades a lot of progress has been made in treating social phobias, in all its forms, using cognitive behavioural therapy, which teaches you how to identify the troubling thoughts that cause you to feel shy or anxious and how to replace them with more helpful, realistic ones.

Whilst social phobia can be overcome with practice, patience and determination, you shouldn’t assume that being shy is a weakness to be ashamed of. I’ll be discussing why in next week’s article.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

Anger Management - How to Express Anger Healthily

May 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

anger management

[Image courtesy of e-magic]

The world can be an unfair place at times, with people seemingly conspiring to make your life difficult. When people do something to annoy you ‘losing it’ and venting your fury might seem like a good way of sticking up for yourself. But constantly losing your temper at the merest slight is only going to harm your relationships with work colleagues, friends and family, as well as your health.

Getting angry can be a healthy response when you need to assert your rights. But there’s a difference between healthy anger and the destructive rages that are accompanied by the uncomfortable feeling you’re always at war with the world.

Healthy anger vs destructive rage

Anger is a natural human emotion. And it can be useful when you need to spur yourself into action to solve a problem. But anger becomes unhealthy when it turns into verbal or physical abuse, hatred for other people and your thoughts turn to plotting revenge.

The reasons why you might react in either way are not because of what someone has said or done. But the way in which you have interpreted it.

As with the symptoms of social anxiety, unhealthy anger is driven by unhelpful, inaccurate thoughts. So the trick is to identify what they are and change them.

Why you get mad

There are common reasons why people get mad:

  • Someone breaks your personal rules about how they should think or behave e.g. pushing in front of you in a cue
  • Someone threatens your self esteem by being abusive or trying to humiliate you
  • Frustration when you’re blocked from achieving one of your aims e.g. one of the kids spills juice on your shirt making you late for work

Whilst these things have every right to annoy you, anger management is about controlling how you react by having a more flexible attitude to other people.

Unhealthy anger comes from unhelpful thinking

One of the unhelpful thought processes associated with social anxiety is that of rigid thinking, in which you think that you and other people must behave in a certain way to be acceptable. For example, you might think other people must be polite to you otherwise they’re a jerk. Rigid ways of thinking means that when people fail to reach your high standards of behaviour you feel you’re justified in getting mad.

The problem with rigid thinking is that the world isn’t always fair and other people have their own ideas about how they should behave. Whilst screaming at people because they’ve broken your rules might make you feel better in the short-term, the habit of ‘losing it’ at the slightest mishap is only going to push people away.

Learn to be flexible and have preferences instead of demands

Instead of living by a rigid set of rules that other people must abide by, you need to develop a more flexible attitude that accepts other people’s weaknesses. Think of your standards of behaviour as preferences, rather than demands written in stone.

Appreciate the fact that people are sometimes rude, selfish and make mistakes. If someone pushes in front if you in a cue instead of screaming obscenities at them try to think of their inconsiderate behaviour as reflection of their values and not a personal slight against you.

Remember that it’s not other people who make you lose your temper in an unhealthy way, but the way in which you interpret their behaviour.

Use your anger to assert yourself, rather than self-detonate

If someone is rude or inconsiderate then it’s fine to get angry. But you need to learn how to direct your anger in a more objective way.

Anger can be healthy when it’s used to kick you into action to resolve a problem or to assert yourself in a disagreement.

Assertion is ensuring your opinions and feelings are considered by others. Assertion is not threatening, being insulting or trying to shout the loudest. It’s being able to verbally negotiate to resolve problems in an objective manner that takes your needs and opinions into consideration.

Assertion is ensuring your needs and opinions are considered by others

When you sense the red mist descending try to take a deep breath, count to ten and allow yourself time to objectively assess the situation.

Rather than bawling and stamping your feet, you’ll get more of what you want out of situations if you use negotiation to resolve a problem. Effective negotiation comes from being able to empathise with the other person, seeing the world through their eyes and understanding what has caused them to behave in a manner that has got you annoyed.

When negotiating a solution point out your problem tactfully, empathise by agreeing with what they have to say, compliment them if necessary and then repeat your request firmly.

So for example:

You’re in a crowded restaurant. You’re starting to feel impatient at the time it’s taking to get served and think the waiters are ignoring you. Instead of getting angry, tactfully tell a waiter that you’ve been waiting a long time and would like to be served. If they say they’re busy, compliment them on how popular the restaurant is and then repeat your request politely but firmly. You’ll find that listening and sounding considerate will be a lot more effective than telling them what a useless job they’re doing.

Resolving a problem through assertive negotiation is obviously a much healthier outcome then trading verbal and physical blows.

Anger management can help you be assertive and boost your self esteem

Anger management is about learning to control your anger in a healthy way: through assessing situations objectively, thinking how to solve the problem and using negotiation to assert yourself.

Learning to be more flexible and using negotiation instead of getting mad takes a lot of practice. But the emotional growth from learning how to use your anger to resolve life’s frustrations in a healthy way will improve your relationships with the people around you, and boost your self esteem as a result.

[Cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety identifies the unhelpful thought processes that provoke unhealthy anger. It then provides more helpful, objective and realistic ways of thinking that enable you to channel your anger in a more healthy, problem solving way.]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy 

Why Negotiation is Like a Dance

May 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment

dancing

[Picture courtesy of a4gpa]

Following on from previous articles, in which I discussed assertiveness and how to say ‘no’, I’m now going to discuss why you should add negotiation to your growing list of skills. As with overcoming many of the symptoms of social anxiety, negotiation is about maintaining a balance between being fair to yourself and fair to others.

Learn how to change your steps

Social interaction is like an intricate dance. When people want you to think or behave in a certain way they’ll perform steps, using persuasive language and gestures, for you to follow.

If you suffer from social anxiety then you probably fall in the trap of either being too passive, and obediently following their lead, or too aggressive, and refusing to dance altogether.

Being too passive or aggressive are not helpful modes of behaviour. If you’re infected with the ‘disease to please’ then people will take you for granted and might push you around. Whilst getting mad makes it difficult to think and behave logically, hampering your ability to persuade people why they should respect your opinions and priorities.

Learning to negotiate is about learning to nimbly change your dance steps so that you can prompt others to change theirs and have more control over your interactions.

It’s not about winning or losing

Social anxiety is driven by thinking errors that result from low self esteem and negative thinking. One of the common thinking errors is ‘all or nothing’ in which you believe that you and others must behave in a certain way. So if you have a disagreement with someone and want them to change their mind you think that you must persuade them to meet your demands or they’ve won.

It’s a mistake to think that life is about winning or losing. This extreme, inflexible approach is unhelpful and unrealistic. Demanding that other people should always fit in with your priorities, such as agreeing to immediately perform a task for you at work or walk your dog when you’re on holiday, is only going to lead to stress and frustration when people don’t meet your unrealistic expectations.

Instead of making demands that people must fit in with what you want, you should offer some leeway and be prepared to negotiate.

Successful negotiation is about being fair to yourself and fair to others in finding a solution in which you can both, at least partially, get what you want. Finding a balanced agreement is the constructive approach, rather than getting angry or frustrated from thinking that you have to get the better of the other person.

Try asking work colleagues what other priorities they have to attend to before they can perform your task, or arrange to split the dog walking with another neighbour.

Negotiation is finding a solution in which you both gain

When you enter into negotiation, whether it’s with work colleagues or friends, don’t try to get what you want by being aggressive, manipulative or demanding. Instead approach it as an intricate dance in which you’re trying to influence the outcome, but are also prepared to change your own steps to compliment your partner.

Negotiation is about finding a solution in which you both can gain, rather than an ugly confrontation in which you must either win or lose.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

How to Accept Compliments if You Suffer from Social Phobia

April 29, 2008 | Leave a Comment

In my last post I discussed how to respond to criticism objectively, and in a realistic manner so it wont upset you. This time I’m going to focus on the flip side of the coin, and discuss why compliments should be accepted graciously as a gift, rather than shrunk away from if you’re socially anxious.

The problem with social anxiety, and the low self esteem that can accompany it, is that you tend to view the world through a gloom tinted pair of spectacles. In other words, you tend to only see the negative, unhappy side of things, and discount the bright, positive events in life.

It’s seeing the world through a gloomy filter that makes criticism so painful because you over exaggerate its importance, whilst compliments can feel uncomfortable because they seem so far from how you view yourself or the world around you.

Being praised can also make you feel the focus of attention and embarrassed, when realistically the reverse should be the case.

Dismissing compliments is a thinking error

If you’re socially anxious the tendency is to try and brush off compliments before they have a chance to penetrate the gloomy clouds that follow you around. If somebody was to praise your appearance or your cooking you’re likely to think they were ‘just being nice’, and discount the possibility of them being genuine.

You’ll probably also dismiss the gesture by remarking ‘Oh, this old thing’ when people comment on your clothes, or ‘Oh, I don’t think I was that much help’ when you’ve just been praised for running to your neighbour’s aid.

The problem with pouring water other of people’s shows of appreciation is that, rather than appear like you’re just being modest, you’ll make them feel as though their gift of praise has been rejected, and they’ll be put off offering it again in the future.

Discounting the positives in both you and other people is one of the most destructive habits of social anxiety. It’s inaccurate, unhelpful and just wrong, so learn to start recognising it as a thinking error when it occurs and kick it off the playing field.

Accept compliments as a gift

When somebody compliments you and you feel like dismissing it remind yourself that it’s a thinking error brought about by your low self esteem, when in fact praise should be seen as an opportunity to seize on the positives about you and the people around you.

It’s a gift someone has awarded you because of your positive attributes, and should be accepted as such.

Instead of discounting compliments, because they don’t fit the unhelpful, inaccurate view you see through gloom tinged spectacles, use praise as an opportunity to adjust your belief system.

So the next time somebody compliments you on your appearance or behaviour remember that it’s a gift, so thank them and use it to bolster your positive beliefs in both yourself and the people around you.

Learning how to overcome social phobia and accept compliments can be achieved through cognitive behavioural therapy, a form of psychotherapy developed to help people who are socially anxious recognise their inaccurate, negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful, positive ones.

compliments

Picture courtesy of John Althouse Cohen

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

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