YouTube Videos on Social Anxiety Disorder

February 7, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Vladimir has recently overtaken the Shy and Quiet blog if you’d like to read a personal account on getting to grips with overcoming social anxiety. He’s also bravely posted some videos onto YouTube, which you might  find helpful, in which he discusses the causes of his problem and his determination to overcome them.

Whilst on YouTube I also stumbled upon this video featuring a former sufferer who has managed to overcome his social anxiety by realising why certain situations made him feel uncomfortable and then learning what he needed to do to overcome his social phobia.

I hope you find the videos useful, and you might also like to read some of the comments underneath to remind yourself that you’re not alone and that social anxiety is more common than you might think.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, social anxiety disorder 

Could Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Have Helped Kurt Cobain?

December 8, 2008 | 5 Comments

Yesterday I watched the biopic ‘About a Son’ in which Kurt Cobain discusses his childhood, music career and views on life. An edited version of 25 hours of interview tapes recorded a year before he committed suicide, the film offers some insight into the negative thought patterns that seemed to be driving Kurt towards taking his own life.

From the film  I got the impression that Kurt exhibited many of the characteristics and symptoms of someone who suffers from social anxiety disorder.

Unhappy childhood

His childhood was blighted by an unaffectionate parent and problems at school from feeling isolated and bullied by the other kids. He comments how he used to feel constantly paranoid and threatened by other people, and even had thoughts of violence because of it.

If you suffer from a lack of affection, a difficulty to connect with other people and social awkwardness then this can lead to an irrational fear, distrust or hatred of other people in adult life. And it’s believed by psychotherapists that the underlying thought processes which lead to social anxiety disorder are formed by unhappy childhood experiences.

Kurt was known to be a recluse, withdrawn and rarely engaged with other people if he could avoid it, typical symptoms of someone who suffered from social phobia.

Kurt’s answer to his troubling thoughts and his chronic stomach pains was to self medicate with opiates and heroin, which would have offered temporary escape but exasperated his problems in the long run.

A life without hope?

Nobody really knows what drove someone who was wealthy, successful and had a baby girl to feel that life was so futile that suicide was the only escape from their misery. But it’s likely that it was his inability to overcome his troubling thought patterns that made his life seem so intolerable.

Now I’m not an expert on Kurt Cobain and haven’t read any of the books on his life, but from my perspective it seems that he could have benefited from cognitive behavioural therapy.

Social phobia and other social anxiety disorders are driven by irrational, negative thought patterns. If Kurt could have been helped to understand how it was the unhelpful childhood experiences driving his subconscious hatred of people and gloomy outlook on life then maybe he could have been directed onto another path.

You feel the way that you think

The way our brains respond to the world around us is a complex puzzle which psychologists and therapists are still making sense of.

But if the brain has been programmed to think in an unhelpful way because of a troubling childhood then, with practice and patience, it can be reprogrammed to think in a more, realistic and helpful manner.

Perhaps if Kurt had learned to challenge his negative thoughts and to replace them with more objective ways of thinking then he might still be with us today, and writing more optimistic songs filled with life and hope because of it.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Uncategorized, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

UK School Kids Given Lessons on How to Be Happy

September 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment

You feel the way that you think, and now UK school children are being taught how to think more positively to help them cope with the stresses of teenage life. Initially, 1500 11-year olds from 22 schools are being given lessons on how to assess situations objectively, how to be assertive and many other skills that can help them cope better with emotionally difficult situations. If the scheme is a success then it could be expanded into class rooms on a national scale.

The scheme uses lessons taught in the USA by the Penn Resiliency Program, based in Philadelphia, which adopts tried and tested cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to ‘detect inaccurate thoughts, to evaluate the accuracy of those thoughts, and to challenge negative beliefs by considering alternative interpretations’.

Teaching children cognitive behavioural therapy could help them avoid problems later on in life

Whilst some might remember their school days with fond memories, childhood can be a difficult period because of peer pressure, the desire to fit in and having to cope with all the struggles of teenage life.

Psychotherapists believe that it’s during childhood that you form your belief system: opinions on yourself, other people and the world around you. Upsetting childhood experiences, such as being neglected or bullied, can lead to problems later on in life because of the negative associations you attach to similar situations.

So equipping impressionable school children with the skills to identify inaccurate, unhelpful thoughts and then to replace them with healthier, happier ways of thinking could prove invaluable in helping them grow into secure, confident adults.

Treatment for anxiety and depression is a global issue

In a 2006 international survey UK children ranked bottom for happiness and well being. Some blame celebrity culture, with its focus on money and possessions, for giving children an unhelpful value system (although the problem is far more complicated than a single root cause). However, teaching them how to feel confident and secure, without needing the latest designer clobber or the approval of others, could be coming at just the right time.

Awareness on the effectiveness of cognitive behavioural therapy, for treating anxiety and depression, is spreading all the time. The UK’s ‘happiness tsar’ Professor Richard Layard even believes it could help people living on benefits to get back to work.

With depression the world’s biggest mental health problem, teaching more people cognitive behavioural therapy (whether self taught, with a therapist or in a group) could make a positive impact on not just on the lives of children but society in general.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, cognitive behavioral therapy, depression 

Am I Socially Anxious or Just Shy?

June 12, 2008 | Leave a Comment

shy

[Image courtesy of Vaqawi]

Shyness is a common emotion during childhood, with 80% estimated to have felt a bit nervous when meeting strangers or on their first day of school. Half of those then continue feeling shy in certain situations during adulthood, such as going to parties or talking to strangers in the street. Feeling shy is a natural emotion, but problems occur when shyness becomes so uncomfortable that it makes you want to avoid social situations altogether.

Whilst social anxiety was diagnosed as a psychological disorder in the 1960s, the definitions of shyness and social anxiety continue to be blurred.

However, the techniques for treating both are the same.

Shyness is a natural emotion

Shyness is common in childhood because it’s a necessary part of growing up. Shyness (and anxiety) were needed for survival in our evolutionary past. They are what kept our ancestors on their toes and alert in more dangerous times.

In modern life for many people shyness subsides as they develop a better understanding of the world around them, and learn not to feel threatened by strangers or anxious in unfamiliar surroundings.

Of the 40% who continue to feel shy occasionally as adults, such as in job interviews or talking to groups, most don’t find it enough of a problem to seriously impede their lives.

It’s when shyness grows into the more severe symptoms of social anxiety, along with its black cloud of depression, that the impact can be quite debilitating.

Why social anxiety develops

Most people grow out of their shyness as they learn to interact with strangers and familiarise themselves with the situations that made them feel awkward. However, for those unable to develop these skills then their feelings of unease can grow into an almost paralysing fear of negative evaluation and rejection from other people.

Whilst doctors and psychologists are still debating a definitive reason, there is scientific evidence to suggest that genetics, childhood environment and early experiences all play a role in whether common shyness develops into more severe social anxiety. It’s generally understood that if you’ve had negative experiences when feeling shy as a child, such as being ridiculed or bullied, then painful feelings can reemerge whenever you subconsciously link current events to your past.

What you then need to do is to learn how to identify those irrational automatic beliefs and replace them with more helpful, objective thoughts and feelings.

Learning to overcome shyness and social anxiety

Whether you just feel shy around people you don’t know or suffer social anxiety’s fear of rejection, the methods for treating both are the same. The answer isn’t in pill form, but a combination of relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies.

In the last couple of decades a lot of progress has been made in treating social phobias, in all its forms, using cognitive behavioural therapy, which teaches you how to identify the troubling thoughts that cause you to feel shy or anxious and how to replace them with more helpful, realistic ones.

Whilst social phobia can be overcome with practice, patience and determination, you shouldn’t assume that being shy is a weakness to be ashamed of. I’ll be discussing why in next week’s article.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

How to Say ‘No’ for a Less Stressful or Anxious Life

May 12, 2008 | 1 Comment

saying no

[Image courtesy of ganessas]

Feeling that you have to say ‘yes’ to every request for help is a symptom of the ‘disease to please’. Whilst doing favours for people is just part of everyday life, sometimes running errands for friends or covering for work colleagues can be an unfair demand on your free time.

But if you suffer from social anxiety then saying ‘no’ can be difficult because of your fear of displeasing people or being rejected. It’s a mistake to think this way, and living your life running around trying to keep other people happy is not the recipe for healthy relationships in which your needs are respected.

So learning how to be more assertive and say a simple two letter word can be the magic pill to help reduce your stress levels and boost your self esteem.

In my previous post about learning to be assertive, I discussed how you have to take a step back and objectively assess the personal cost of requests before reaching a decision. But just saying ‘no’ is still fraught with hazards if you’re socially anxious or lack confidence.

You have to learn how to be assertive in turning down requests so that people respect your decision.

How to say ‘no’ assertively

Firstly, take a sledgehammer to the people pleasing thought pattern that says you ‘always have to be nice’ and not doing what people ask is selfish. Your free time is just as important as everybody else’s, and if picking up someone else’s laundry means you wont be able to go on your daily jog then say ‘no’. If a request is going to be an unfair personal cost then saying ‘no’ is just being fair to yourself rather than being selfish.

Here are a few tips on how to say ‘no’ assertively to convince others you mean it and are being fair:

  • If you’re asked to lend someone money and you’re worried they might not pay you back say, “I wish I could, but as a rule I don’t lend money to friends.” Unpaid debts can sour relationships, so sidestep the risk by declining in a way that doesn’t make it personal.
  • Be helpful by offering suggestions or alternatives to solve the problem - “I’m unavailable that week, but why don’t you ask Ted if he can feed your cat.”
  • Negotiate around your reasons for declining a request (negotiation is a key assertiveness skill which I’ll be discussing in my next post) - “No I can’t cover your shift this week, but how about you cover for me next Tuesday and then I’ll cover for you the following week?”
  • Be polite but firm. If they won’t take no for an answer simply repeat your position in different ways until they get the message, or get bored of asking - “As I already said…”
  • Don’t make up excuses. It’s always better to tell the truth or just say it’s inconvenient. You only have to get caught out once to damage people’s trust in you.
  • Place a limit on the time you can commit or specify a day. That way you can prevent helping clean out a neighbour’s garage grow into wallpapering their spare room.
  • Whenever possible, allow yourself time to assess what is being asked of you. Say you’ll get back to them later so you aren’t under pressure to make a rushed decision you might regret later on.
  • Deciding whether to give a long or short answer can vary, but don’t sound overly apologetic or make excuses. Saying your busy or don’t have time should be enough.

Whilst helping out friends, family and work colleagues can be good karma, being able to say ‘no’ when it’s an unfair drain on your own free time is what you have to be able to do for a less stressful life. Remember that spending time pursuing your goals and priorities is just as important as everyone else’s. So learn to say ‘no’ assertively without shame to overcome your social anxiety fears and cure yourself of the ‘disease to please’.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, meditation, social anxiety disorder 

How To Be Assertive Even When You’re Socially Anxious

May 5, 2008 | 3 Comments

assertive

[photo courtesy of aurevoirkatie]

Being asked to do favours and to help people out is just a part of everyday life. Whilst being able to decline requests if they’re too inconvenient isn’t a problem for most, if you’re socially anxious then being able to say ‘No’ is fraught with hazards. The trick is knowing how to be fair to yourself in assessing whether to do the favour, and then being assertive in how you respond.

Being assertive is simply being able to voice your own opinions and feelings firmly so that they’re considered fairly by other people. If you suffer from social anxiety then this can be easier said then done because of the fear of displeasing people and being rejected if you don’t fulfil their demands.

Rather than risk being viewed negatively as selfish or unhelpful, you can feel forced into saying ‘Yes’ even when you think a request is an unreasonable drain on your time and energy.

Avoid the unhelpful extremes of passivity or aggression

The problem with being too passive and always fitting in with what others want is that some people will take advantage of your desire to ‘always be nice’ and will simply heap greater demands on you. This in turn will lead to you getting mad with yourself because you’ll feel that you’re constantly running around at other people’s beck and call.

The other extreme is to respond aggressively to unreasonable demands in the false notion that anger equates to strength. When you’re behaving aggressively you lose the ability to think or act rationally, making it even harder to express why you think the request is unfair.

Raising your voice and trying to be intimidating can also have the reverse effect of making other people become aggressive themselves, and the situation deteriorate into the sort of ugly confrontation you’d normally be desperate to avoid.

Relying on anger to protect yourself against unreasonable demands is not how to make friends or influence people.

Assertiveness is about being balanced

As with overcoming many of the problems associated with social anxiety, being assertive is all about being balanced in your thinking and behaviour, and staying away from the extremes of passivity or aggression.

Whether you’re asked to cover for someone at work, lend people money or run errands for them, when people make demands you need to objectively assess the fairness of the request being made. Your feelings, opinions and time are just as important as everybody else’s, so you need to consider whether the requests being made of you are fair. Would you feel comfortable asking someone else to do the same thing?

If after assessing the request and you think it’s unreasonable, because of a high personal cost in terms of time and energy, then in order to be fair to yourself you have to be able to say ‘No’. As long as you’re fair and objective, saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean your selfish or uncaring.

However, actually being able to say ‘No’ presents many challenges in itself. I’ll be offering advice on developing assertiveness skills so people accept your decision in my next article.

Being assertive isn’t about winning, but about getting your point across and ensuring your own opinions and feelings are considered fairly, because they’re just as important as everybody else’s.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, depression, social anxiety disorder 

How You Can Overcome the Social Anxiety from Being Bullied

April 17, 2008 | 5 Comments

bullying (Photo courtesy of Steven Fernandez)

The painful memories of feeling victimised, humiliated and isolated as a result of being bullied can hurt for a very long time.

Whilst being bullied can have a massive influence on the way you viewed yourself as a child, that doesn’t mean it has to be the way you think about yourself, or make you feel socially anxious, for the rest of your life.

The impact of being bullied

The problem with being bullied is that it makes you feel rotten, hopeless and depressed. The dark cloud that follows you around then casts a gloomy shadow over the way you view yourself and the world around you.

This can lead to you suffering low self esteem, unable to trust other people and to develop defensive barriers to try and protect yourself against ever being bullied again.

The problem with defensive walls is that they can make you feel isolated because they block other people from getting close to you.

Rather than live a lonely life where you keep everyone at arm’s length, you can choose to take responsibility for recovering from being bullied and changing the negative thought patterns it might have given you.

Bullying is, after all, a primitive form of asserting dominance by ridiculing others, so you need to be able to treat it as such and not exaggerate its importance.

Whether you were picked on because of your appearance or because you said or did something stupid, being bullied because of one thing about you doesn’t mean you’re unlikable, worthless and unacceptable as a whole.

People are just too complicated for that, with too many facets and new experiences developing their characters all the time.

How to overcome it

You firstly have to realise that bullying is unacceptable behaviour, whether at school or at work, and that it wasn’t your fault.

Instead you have to accept that whilst you might have been targeted for ’special treatment’ that doesn’t mean you’re worthless, unlikable or unacceptable because you’re too complicated to be labelled by a single word.

You then need to start building your self esteem and sense of self worth by filling your life with the pursuit of fulfilling goals and rewarding experiences - take up a musical instrument, join a local film club and just fill your life with positively affirming interactions with other people.

CBT is clinically proven to be effective in treating social phobia

This idea of healing your mental scars and developing more positive ways of thinking about yourself and other people might sound easier said than done.

But the practices and exercises used in cognitive behavioural therapy to treat the problems of social anxiety that can arise from being bullied have proven to be effective in numerous clinical trials and have helped thousands around the world overcome their fears.

Becoming more socially active and developing healthy relationships with others might sound daunting.

But do you really want the actions of one ignorant bully to be able to impact how you choose to live the rest of your life?

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder