Creating Your Campaign For Overcoming Social Anxiety

March 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Social anxiety is a difficult problem to overcome. But not impossible.

Once you’ve accepted that it’s inaccurate thoughts causing you to feel anxious you can start working on changing them. Because changing the way you think will change the way you feel.

My advice would be to look at it as a long term campaign you’ll need to engage, rather than hoping for a short term ‘miracle’ cure from medication.

Here’s my suggestion for steps your campaign to defeat social anxiety could take:

1. Read as much as you can about social phobia.

Luckily, it’s no longer an unknown problem, and there are plenty of websites and books on the subject.

I can personally recommend these books:

Overcoming Social Anxiety - Gillian Butler

Feeling Good  - Dr David D. Burns

The Dummies Guide to Social Phobia  - Rob Wilson and Rhena Branch

2. Talk to your friends and family about it.

Not easy I know, but confiding in someone else and explaining why you sometimes feel overly nervous will help release some of the pressure on yourself. They might also be able to help and will be more understanding when you start feeling anxious in social situations.

3. Take up new hobbies and be more active.

Filling you life with new interests can give you more of a sense of fulfillment, satisfaction and self confidence. Humans are inherently doers, and lying in bed all day hiding under the bedcovers will simply make you feel worse in the long run and prevents you overcoming your problem. If you don’t feel comfortable joining local sports teams or special interest clubs then take up a hobby you can work on at home, such as a new musical instrument, reading or teaching yourself how to cook delicious gourmet dishes.

4. Exercise.

I can’t emphasise how effective regular exercise can be at relieving anxiety. I’d recommend jogging for half and hour everyday if you can manage it, otherwise just go for a stroll or exercise at home (press ups, situps etc). Getting in shape will boost your confidence, help you be more active and there’s truth in the old adage ‘a healthy body means a healthy mind’.

5. Gradually expose yourself to the situations that make you feel nervous.

Although this can be a struggle, this is the strategy recommended by cognitive therapists for gradaully overcoming the inaccurate physical and mental symptoms of social anxiety. Write a list of the situations your afraid of. Put them in order from the least scary to the terrifying worst and then gradually try to work through them, exposing yourself for a little bit longer each time.

At the end of the day, you’ll need to find your own path to overcoming social anxiety. But always remember that you can learn to change the way you think. And changing the way you think will change the way you feel, and behave.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, social anxiety disorder 

How Deep Breathing Can Help Reduce Anxiety, Stress and Panic

August 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment

[Image courtesy of Miya Ziyang]

Along with food and water, giving your body a supply of air is essential for maintaining your heath and well being. If you’re not breathing properly then this can cause imbalances in your blood and affect the way your body behaves.

Poor breathing can cause dizziness, shortness of breath and shaking, which are all too familiar symptoms if you suffer from anxiety or panic.

The key is to learn how to breathe deeply in a natural manner that fills your stomach and rib cage, as well as the top part of your chest, and it can be practiced using simple exercises throughout the day.

Why is breathing properly so important?

Breathing regulates the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood. Too much oxygen can cause you to feel agitated and nervous, whilst too much carbon dioxide might calm you temporarily but it can make you feel light headed and distort your responses.

Instead you should practice being able to breath deeply and naturally so that your body can maintain a healthy balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide and behave healthily.

Deep breathing is practiced as part of Tai Chi, Yoga and other forms of meditation due to its effectiveness in helping you think and behave in a clear, healthy manner.

The benefits of breathing properly include:

•    Release tension in your neck, chest and diaphragm
•    Reduce anxiety and panic by having a healthier balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood so you can think and behave in a calmer, clearer manner
•    Reduce build up of stress and tension throughout the day
•    When practicing as part of a meditation exercise, breathing can divert your attention from stressful, unhelpful thoughts
•    Exhaling for longer than you inhale will help you to relax

Why ‘just take a deep breath’ is bad advice

We’ve all heard the advice to ‘take a deep breath’ when we’re feeling stressed or anxious. However, the problem is that most people interpret this as taking rapid breaths, rather than deep, natural breathing that fills our stomach, as well as our upper chest.

Rapid breathing can simply imbalance the oxygen in your blood, causing you to feel more agitated and nervous. Deep natural breathing is slow and calm, rather than rapidly gulping down oxygen.

So how do I practice deep breathing?

Here are a few breathing exercises you can practice to train your body to keep a healthy balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide, as well as help to reduce stress, panic and anxiety:

Sigh Breath

-   Take a moderate breathe through your nose and then slowly exhale, prolonging your exhale for longer than your inhale.
-    As you exhale try and relax the muscles in your face and shoulders to release any built up tension.
-    When you next inhale, try and divert your attention to the sights and sounds around you without passing judgement on your thoughts but just letting them flow
-    This breathing technique works well with mindfulness meditation because it focuses your thoughts away from whatever stresses you’re feeling that day.
-    Sigh breathing can be practiced whenever you’ve got a spare minute or two throughout the day, and can help you learn to regulate your breathing.

Easy Breathing

-    focus on only your breathing for 3-4 minutes.
-    Ignore everything around you other than your breathing
-    move your chest and diaphragm in harmony so that you’re breathing naturally, rather than forced
-    concentrating on your breathing in this way will divert your thoughts from your anxiety and stress

4-7-8 Breathing

-    inhale for four seconds, hold it in for seven seconds then slowly release your breath for eight seconds
-    As you exhale release the anxiety , stress and tension from your muscles, shoulder and face
-    this exercise helps you to exhale for longer than you inhale, which can help your body relax if you’re feeling nervous
-    you could practice this at any time, whether on public transport, waiting in a cue or when you’re just at home to help calm your breathing

There are plenty of other breathing exercises you can practice which you can learn more about from books and other resources on the net.

Healthy breathing is an important part of coping with and reducing anxiety, so try a few different breathing exercises to find which ones work best for you and in which situations.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, breathing, meditation, social anxiety disorder 

eBook released - ‘How You Can Overcome Social Anxiety’

August 11, 2008 | 1 Comment

cover

Well, it took four months and more sweat and tears than planned, but my eBook ‘How You Can Overcome Social Anxiety’ is now finally finished and up for sale on the site. It’s designed to be a clear, concise guide to social anxiety: what causes it, why you might suffer from it and, more importantly, what you can do to reduce the symptoms enough so they don’t impede your enjoyment of life.

Whilst there are already some excellent books and websites out there providing plenty of useful information, I thought some people would be happy to pay £4.50/$9 for a collated guide which provides an overview of social anxiety and what they can do to reduce the symptoms. It can be read through in under an hour, but its real value comes from printing out the worksheets, grabbing a pen and working through the exercises that teach you how to identify your negative, anxious thoughts and replace them with more objective, healthier ways of thinking.

Anxiety affects millions around the world

When I first started researching anxiety at the start of the year I was amazed to discover how many people suffered from it, with 15 million Americans and 2.3 million people in the UK estimated to suffer from an anxiety disorder. What also surprised me was the number of people searching on the internet daily for help in overcoming their symptoms.

Social anxiety is a complicated and a difficult problem to overcome, with a variety of personal issues and extremities causing people to distrust and even fear people they don’t know. If it goes untreated then it can lead to depression because of the withdrawal from an active life interacting with other people.

Social anxiety CAN be overcome

I’m not claiming to offer a miracle cure (unlike the drug companies), but cognitive behavioural therapy can provide people with the mental thought processing skills to identify the negative thoughts driving their anxiety and replace them with more helpful and healthier ways of thinking.

You feel the way that you think, and with practice and patience, your new ways of thinking can take hold, become your automatic beliefs and reduce your anxiety as a result.

My hope is that my eBook will provide anybody who suffers from social anxiety their first steps towards recovery. The complexity of social anxiety (and the fact that overcoming it means rewiring the way that you think) means that everyone has to find their own path towards recovery.

However, along with my eBook, there are plenty of resources and support out there to help you find your way. And I for one will be continuing to post articles every week offering tips and advice on how to overcome social anxiety for good.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

How You Can Reduce Your Anxiety With Exercise

July 7, 2008 | 6 Comments

Ever heard the saying ‘healthy body, healthy mind’? When it comes to anxiety treatment this saying has never been truer. Studies have shown that regular exercise can brighten your mood, reduce anxious thoughts and decrease the physical symptoms. Along with medication and psychotherapy, regular exercise should be a key part of your strategy for overcoming social anxiety disorder.

How does exercise reduce anxiety?

Although we don’t know exactly why, it’s believed there are a range of reasons why exercise relieves anxiety and chases away the black clouds of depression:

  • Distraction - focusing your thoughts on hitting a tennis ball or running around an open manhole prevents you from mulling over your last (probably incorrectly perceived) social calamity. Anxiety is driven by negative thinking. So using your brain more constructively can give your emotions a welcome break.
  • Biological - exercise safely releases stored up adrenaline, which is what causes you to sweat or feel sick when you’re anxious. This means you’ll feel more relaxed and less on edge after you’ve finished your run.
  • Strengthens your heart - your heart is a muscle and making it stronger will help it perform better in stressful situations. As your heart strengthens, from regular exercise, it’s less likely to start hammering in your chest in anxious situations.
  • Improves your mood - the increased blood flow to your brain causes mood enhancing ‘endorphins’ to be released. Endorphins are feel good hormones, and when they’re freed they can brighten your mood and evaporate gloomy thoughts.
  • Self esteem boost - just knowing that you’re doing something practical to relieve your anxiety, rather than feeling miserable in bed, will make you feel better about yourself. Regular exercise will make you feel fitter, stronger and give you a much needed boost to your self esteem.

The best way to beat ‘do nothingness’ is to do anything!

Whilst the idea of running through a crowded park or risk losing at tennis might seem off putting, the only way to beat the bedridden blues is to start doing more. In my previous article I discussed why you should be more active if you want to overcome your social anxiety disorder in the long-term.

Lying in bed mulling over your latest (perceived) mishaps is only going to make you feel miserable and think the world is an unfriendly place. To break out of the pattern of hiding at home, you need to pursue activities that will give you a sense of accomplishment and give your mind healthier stimulation. Exercise can make you feel better about yourself and will also give you fulfilling goals to pursue, such as improving your golf swing or being able to jog further.

Exercise should be fun, so choose a type that you’ll enjoy and won’t feel like a chore. Here are a few ideas you should think about trying:

  • Walking or jogging - these will get you out and about so you can say hello to strangers (and even smile if you’re feeling brave) to help overcome your fears. Gentle, regular exercise can strengthen your heart, lungs and reduce anxiety’s physical symptoms.
  • Weight lifting or sprinting - explosive bursts of energy will make you bigger and stronger. Being physically fit will help you feel better about yourself knowing you’re in trim shape.
  • Tennis or golf - taking up a skilful sport will give you a fulfilling goal to pursue as you strive to improve. Just remember to be easy on yourself if you don’t play as well as you’d like. Nobody got better at anything without practice.
  • Yoga - Ileana at Beating Social Anxiety would be able to tell you about the benefits of yoga for anxiety treatment. Yoga will help release some of the strain in your muscles from feeling tense, as well as enable your thoughts to drift and encourage a more relaxed state of mind.

Whichever type of exercise you choose to do, you should aim to fit 20-30 minute sessions at least three times a week into your schedule.

Regular exercise’s wide range of positive effects, in reducing both the physical and mental symptoms, means that it should be a key part of your journey to overcoming social anxiety disorder.

jogging

[Photo courtesy of Ernst Moeksis]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, exercise, social anxiety disorder 

Think you’re lazy? Here’s how to be more active

June 26, 2008 | 4 Comments

lyingbed

[Photo courtesy of Ingorrr]

One of the (many) problems with social anxiety disorder is that it can affect your motivation to get out there and do things. The fear of negative evaluation by others might mean you prefer the safety of your bed, rather than face (usually misinterpreted) stares of disapproval.

However, human beings by nature need to be stimulated. And avoiding activities will simply make you feel worse rather than better. Being isolated can make you feel depressed. So the best antidote to changing the way you feel is to change the way you think and behave.

If you lie in bed all day waiting for the motivation/desire/energy to do something then you’ll be waiting a longtime. Instead you’ll find that doing literally anything other than nothing will raise your mood, boost your confidence and give you the drive to be more active.

Why am I so lazy?

First of all, don’t make the mistake of ‘labelling’ yourself ‘lazy’. As a human being you’re too complicated to define yourself by a single word or phrases. You might be lazy ’sometimes’. But that doesn’t mean you have some sort of genetic imprint that prevents you from getting dressed and doing stuff.

Here are a few of the common excuses (particularly if you suffer from social anxiety disorder) that might pop into your head to avoid getting stuff done:

  • ‘I don’t feel like it’ - it’s a myth to think that you have to wait to ‘feel’ like doing something before you can do it. It’s only after experiencing the rewards of achieving something that you’ll find the motivation to do more. Even little things, like cooking yourself dinner rather than eating dry toast, will improve your mood because of the beneficial outcome from your activity.
  • ‘I’m too depressed’ - you feel the way that you think. So if you lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling tormenting yourself over your latest (perceived) social faux pas then you’re not going to feel like going on a 10k bike ride. The best way of fighting your depression is to change the way you think. Being active and pursuing fulfilling goals, whether it’s teaching yourself Spanish or learning to cook, is what will banish the black clouds in the long run.
  • ‘I might fail’ - So what? Nobody is good at everything. And we all have our strengths and weaknesses in life. Thinking you shouldn’t play tennis or attend a job interview because you might not get the outcome you want is only going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. To get better at things you have to practice. And there are enough hobbies, sports and jobs out there for you to find one you get satisfaction from.

Remember that thinking you must win at something or must get the job is a rigid way of looking at things. You should give yourself some flexibility and have preferences for the outcomes you’d like rather than rigid success/failure demands.

So how do I get myself out of bed?

A tried and tested method of beating the bedridden blues is taught by Dr David Burns in ‘Feeling Good’. He suggests writing out a time table for what you’d like to get done each day.

This can include the minor things, such as getting dressed and reading the paper, right up to shopping or attending a dinner party. At the end of the day you then rate out of five the satisfaction you found in the completion of each task. The easier tasks might only rate as a one, but the more demanding challenges could rate as a four or five.

What you should find is that the sense of accomplishment you get from scoring your activity each day will drive you to do more. Having a schedule also helps you to structure your time and keep yourself occupied.

Gradually, you should also find that you start pushing yourself to keep improving your score and pursuing ever more demanding tasks.

The list of things you could do is limitless. But here are a few ideas:

  • Learn a new musical instrument
  • Learn a new language
  • Read a book (I’d highly recommend ‘Feeling Good’)
  • Take up jogging (exercise is a great anxiety reliever)
  • Start an eBay shop for some extra cash
  • Decorate your bedroom to create a bright, warm atmosphere
  • Learn to cook spicy Thai dishes
  • Start writing a blog (doing something creative is always recommended for providing an outlet for expressing your social anxiety disorder)
  • Practice meditating (also recommended for anxiety treatment)

So, if you’re currently lying in bed, feeling glum and reading this on your laptop - start writing a list of all the active things you could be doing.

Remember that you feel the way that you think. So start giving yourself a daily dose of uplifting brainwaves from pursuing fulfilling goals, and banish the bedridden blues for good.

thaifood

[Photo courtesy of SqueakyMarmot]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

Anger Management - How to Express Anger Healthily

May 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

anger management

[Image courtesy of e-magic]

The world can be an unfair place at times, with people seemingly conspiring to make your life difficult. When people do something to annoy you ‘losing it’ and venting your fury might seem like a good way of sticking up for yourself. But constantly losing your temper at the merest slight is only going to harm your relationships with work colleagues, friends and family, as well as your health.

Getting angry can be a healthy response when you need to assert your rights. But there’s a difference between healthy anger and the destructive rages that are accompanied by the uncomfortable feeling you’re always at war with the world.

Healthy anger vs destructive rage

Anger is a natural human emotion. And it can be useful when you need to spur yourself into action to solve a problem. But anger becomes unhealthy when it turns into verbal or physical abuse, hatred for other people and your thoughts turn to plotting revenge.

The reasons why you might react in either way are not because of what someone has said or done. But the way in which you have interpreted it.

As with the symptoms of social anxiety, unhealthy anger is driven by unhelpful, inaccurate thoughts. So the trick is to identify what they are and change them.

Why you get mad

There are common reasons why people get mad:

  • Someone breaks your personal rules about how they should think or behave e.g. pushing in front of you in a cue
  • Someone threatens your self esteem by being abusive or trying to humiliate you
  • Frustration when you’re blocked from achieving one of your aims e.g. one of the kids spills juice on your shirt making you late for work

Whilst these things have every right to annoy you, anger management is about controlling how you react by having a more flexible attitude to other people.

Unhealthy anger comes from unhelpful thinking

One of the unhelpful thought processes associated with social anxiety is that of rigid thinking, in which you think that you and other people must behave in a certain way to be acceptable. For example, you might think other people must be polite to you otherwise they’re a jerk. Rigid ways of thinking means that when people fail to reach your high standards of behaviour you feel you’re justified in getting mad.

The problem with rigid thinking is that the world isn’t always fair and other people have their own ideas about how they should behave. Whilst screaming at people because they’ve broken your rules might make you feel better in the short-term, the habit of ‘losing it’ at the slightest mishap is only going to push people away.

Learn to be flexible and have preferences instead of demands

Instead of living by a rigid set of rules that other people must abide by, you need to develop a more flexible attitude that accepts other people’s weaknesses. Think of your standards of behaviour as preferences, rather than demands written in stone.

Appreciate the fact that people are sometimes rude, selfish and make mistakes. If someone pushes in front if you in a cue instead of screaming obscenities at them try to think of their inconsiderate behaviour as reflection of their values and not a personal slight against you.

Remember that it’s not other people who make you lose your temper in an unhealthy way, but the way in which you interpret their behaviour.

Use your anger to assert yourself, rather than self-detonate

If someone is rude or inconsiderate then it’s fine to get angry. But you need to learn how to direct your anger in a more objective way.

Anger can be healthy when it’s used to kick you into action to resolve a problem or to assert yourself in a disagreement.

Assertion is ensuring your opinions and feelings are considered by others. Assertion is not threatening, being insulting or trying to shout the loudest. It’s being able to verbally negotiate to resolve problems in an objective manner that takes your needs and opinions into consideration.

Assertion is ensuring your needs and opinions are considered by others

When you sense the red mist descending try to take a deep breath, count to ten and allow yourself time to objectively assess the situation.

Rather than bawling and stamping your feet, you’ll get more of what you want out of situations if you use negotiation to resolve a problem. Effective negotiation comes from being able to empathise with the other person, seeing the world through their eyes and understanding what has caused them to behave in a manner that has got you annoyed.

When negotiating a solution point out your problem tactfully, empathise by agreeing with what they have to say, compliment them if necessary and then repeat your request firmly.

So for example:

You’re in a crowded restaurant. You’re starting to feel impatient at the time it’s taking to get served and think the waiters are ignoring you. Instead of getting angry, tactfully tell a waiter that you’ve been waiting a long time and would like to be served. If they say they’re busy, compliment them on how popular the restaurant is and then repeat your request politely but firmly. You’ll find that listening and sounding considerate will be a lot more effective than telling them what a useless job they’re doing.

Resolving a problem through assertive negotiation is obviously a much healthier outcome then trading verbal and physical blows.

Anger management can help you be assertive and boost your self esteem

Anger management is about learning to control your anger in a healthy way: through assessing situations objectively, thinking how to solve the problem and using negotiation to assert yourself.

Learning to be more flexible and using negotiation instead of getting mad takes a lot of practice. But the emotional growth from learning how to use your anger to resolve life’s frustrations in a healthy way will improve your relationships with the people around you, and boost your self esteem as a result.

[Cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety identifies the unhelpful thought processes that provoke unhealthy anger. It then provides more helpful, objective and realistic ways of thinking that enable you to channel your anger in a more healthy, problem solving way.]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy 

Why Negotiation is Like a Dance

May 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment

dancing

[Picture courtesy of a4gpa]

Following on from previous articles, in which I discussed assertiveness and how to say ‘no’, I’m now going to discuss why you should add negotiation to your growing list of skills. As with overcoming many of the symptoms of social anxiety, negotiation is about maintaining a balance between being fair to yourself and fair to others.

Learn how to change your steps

Social interaction is like an intricate dance. When people want you to think or behave in a certain way they’ll perform steps, using persuasive language and gestures, for you to follow.

If you suffer from social anxiety then you probably fall in the trap of either being too passive, and obediently following their lead, or too aggressive, and refusing to dance altogether.

Being too passive or aggressive are not helpful modes of behaviour. If you’re infected with the ‘disease to please’ then people will take you for granted and might push you around. Whilst getting mad makes it difficult to think and behave logically, hampering your ability to persuade people why they should respect your opinions and priorities.

Learning to negotiate is about learning to nimbly change your dance steps so that you can prompt others to change theirs and have more control over your interactions.

It’s not about winning or losing

Social anxiety is driven by thinking errors that result from low self esteem and negative thinking. One of the common thinking errors is ‘all or nothing’ in which you believe that you and others must behave in a certain way. So if you have a disagreement with someone and want them to change their mind you think that you must persuade them to meet your demands or they’ve won.

It’s a mistake to think that life is about winning or losing. This extreme, inflexible approach is unhelpful and unrealistic. Demanding that other people should always fit in with your priorities, such as agreeing to immediately perform a task for you at work or walk your dog when you’re on holiday, is only going to lead to stress and frustration when people don’t meet your unrealistic expectations.

Instead of making demands that people must fit in with what you want, you should offer some leeway and be prepared to negotiate.

Successful negotiation is about being fair to yourself and fair to others in finding a solution in which you can both, at least partially, get what you want. Finding a balanced agreement is the constructive approach, rather than getting angry or frustrated from thinking that you have to get the better of the other person.

Try asking work colleagues what other priorities they have to attend to before they can perform your task, or arrange to split the dog walking with another neighbour.

Negotiation is finding a solution in which you both gain

When you enter into negotiation, whether it’s with work colleagues or friends, don’t try to get what you want by being aggressive, manipulative or demanding. Instead approach it as an intricate dance in which you’re trying to influence the outcome, but are also prepared to change your own steps to compliment your partner.

Negotiation is about finding a solution in which you both can gain, rather than an ugly confrontation in which you must either win or lose.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

How to Say ‘No’ for a Less Stressful or Anxious Life

May 12, 2008 | 1 Comment

saying no

[Image courtesy of ganessas]

Feeling that you have to say ‘yes’ to every request for help is a symptom of the ‘disease to please’. Whilst doing favours for people is just part of everyday life, sometimes running errands for friends or covering for work colleagues can be an unfair demand on your free time.

But if you suffer from social anxiety then saying ‘no’ can be difficult because of your fear of displeasing people or being rejected. It’s a mistake to think this way, and living your life running around trying to keep other people happy is not the recipe for healthy relationships in which your needs are respected.

So learning how to be more assertive and say a simple two letter word can be the magic pill to help reduce your stress levels and boost your self esteem.

In my previous post about learning to be assertive, I discussed how you have to take a step back and objectively assess the personal cost of requests before reaching a decision. But just saying ‘no’ is still fraught with hazards if you’re socially anxious or lack confidence.

You have to learn how to be assertive in turning down requests so that people respect your decision.

How to say ‘no’ assertively

Firstly, take a sledgehammer to the people pleasing thought pattern that says you ‘always have to be nice’ and not doing what people ask is selfish. Your free time is just as important as everybody else’s, and if picking up someone else’s laundry means you wont be able to go on your daily jog then say ‘no’. If a request is going to be an unfair personal cost then saying ‘no’ is just being fair to yourself rather than being selfish.

Here are a few tips on how to say ‘no’ assertively to convince others you mean it and are being fair:

  • If you’re asked to lend someone money and you’re worried they might not pay you back say, “I wish I could, but as a rule I don’t lend money to friends.” Unpaid debts can sour relationships, so sidestep the risk by declining in a way that doesn’t make it personal.
  • Be helpful by offering suggestions or alternatives to solve the problem - “I’m unavailable that week, but why don’t you ask Ted if he can feed your cat.”
  • Negotiate around your reasons for declining a request (negotiation is a key assertiveness skill which I’ll be discussing in my next post) - “No I can’t cover your shift this week, but how about you cover for me next Tuesday and then I’ll cover for you the following week?”
  • Be polite but firm. If they won’t take no for an answer simply repeat your position in different ways until they get the message, or get bored of asking - “As I already said…”
  • Don’t make up excuses. It’s always better to tell the truth or just say it’s inconvenient. You only have to get caught out once to damage people’s trust in you.
  • Place a limit on the time you can commit or specify a day. That way you can prevent helping clean out a neighbour’s garage grow into wallpapering their spare room.
  • Whenever possible, allow yourself time to assess what is being asked of you. Say you’ll get back to them later so you aren’t under pressure to make a rushed decision you might regret later on.
  • Deciding whether to give a long or short answer can vary, but don’t sound overly apologetic or make excuses. Saying your busy or don’t have time should be enough.

Whilst helping out friends, family and work colleagues can be good karma, being able to say ‘no’ when it’s an unfair drain on your own free time is what you have to be able to do for a less stressful life. Remember that spending time pursuing your goals and priorities is just as important as everyone else’s. So learn to say ‘no’ assertively without shame to overcome your social anxiety fears and cure yourself of the ‘disease to please’.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, meditation, social anxiety disorder 

How To Be Assertive Even When You’re Socially Anxious

May 5, 2008 | 3 Comments

assertive

[photo courtesy of aurevoirkatie]

Being asked to do favours and to help people out is just a part of everyday life. Whilst being able to decline requests if they’re too inconvenient isn’t a problem for most, if you’re socially anxious then being able to say ‘No’ is fraught with hazards. The trick is knowing how to be fair to yourself in assessing whether to do the favour, and then being assertive in how you respond.

Being assertive is simply being able to voice your own opinions and feelings firmly so that they’re considered fairly by other people. If you suffer from social anxiety then this can be easier said then done because of the fear of displeasing people and being rejected if you don’t fulfil their demands.

Rather than risk being viewed negatively as selfish or unhelpful, you can feel forced into saying ‘Yes’ even when you think a request is an unreasonable drain on your time and energy.

Avoid the unhelpful extremes of passivity or aggression

The problem with being too passive and always fitting in with what others want is that some people will take advantage of your desire to ‘always be nice’ and will simply heap greater demands on you. This in turn will lead to you getting mad with yourself because you’ll feel that you’re constantly running around at other people’s beck and call.

The other extreme is to respond aggressively to unreasonable demands in the false notion that anger equates to strength. When you’re behaving aggressively you lose the ability to think or act rationally, making it even harder to express why you think the request is unfair.

Raising your voice and trying to be intimidating can also have the reverse effect of making other people become aggressive themselves, and the situation deteriorate into the sort of ugly confrontation you’d normally be desperate to avoid.

Relying on anger to protect yourself against unreasonable demands is not how to make friends or influence people.

Assertiveness is about being balanced

As with overcoming many of the problems associated with social anxiety, being assertive is all about being balanced in your thinking and behaviour, and staying away from the extremes of passivity or aggression.

Whether you’re asked to cover for someone at work, lend people money or run errands for them, when people make demands you need to objectively assess the fairness of the request being made. Your feelings, opinions and time are just as important as everybody else’s, so you need to consider whether the requests being made of you are fair. Would you feel comfortable asking someone else to do the same thing?

If after assessing the request and you think it’s unreasonable, because of a high personal cost in terms of time and energy, then in order to be fair to yourself you have to be able to say ‘No’. As long as you’re fair and objective, saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean your selfish or uncaring.

However, actually being able to say ‘No’ presents many challenges in itself. I’ll be offering advice on developing assertiveness skills so people accept your decision in my next article.

Being assertive isn’t about winning, but about getting your point across and ensuring your own opinions and feelings are considered fairly, because they’re just as important as everybody else’s.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, depression, social anxiety disorder 

How to Accept Compliments if You Suffer from Social Phobia

April 29, 2008 | Leave a Comment

In my last post I discussed how to respond to criticism objectively, and in a realistic manner so it wont upset you. This time I’m going to focus on the flip side of the coin, and discuss why compliments should be accepted graciously as a gift, rather than shrunk away from if you’re socially anxious.

The problem with social anxiety, and the low self esteem that can accompany it, is that you tend to view the world through a gloom tinted pair of spectacles. In other words, you tend to only see the negative, unhappy side of things, and discount the bright, positive events in life.

It’s seeing the world through a gloomy filter that makes criticism so painful because you over exaggerate its importance, whilst compliments can feel uncomfortable because they seem so far from how you view yourself or the world around you.

Being praised can also make you feel the focus of attention and embarrassed, when realistically the reverse should be the case.

Dismissing compliments is a thinking error

If you’re socially anxious the tendency is to try and brush off compliments before they have a chance to penetrate the gloomy clouds that follow you around. If somebody was to praise your appearance or your cooking you’re likely to think they were ‘just being nice’, and discount the possibility of them being genuine.

You’ll probably also dismiss the gesture by remarking ‘Oh, this old thing’ when people comment on your clothes, or ‘Oh, I don’t think I was that much help’ when you’ve just been praised for running to your neighbour’s aid.

The problem with pouring water other of people’s shows of appreciation is that, rather than appear like you’re just being modest, you’ll make them feel as though their gift of praise has been rejected, and they’ll be put off offering it again in the future.

Discounting the positives in both you and other people is one of the most destructive habits of social anxiety. It’s inaccurate, unhelpful and just wrong, so learn to start recognising it as a thinking error when it occurs and kick it off the playing field.

Accept compliments as a gift

When somebody compliments you and you feel like dismissing it remind yourself that it’s a thinking error brought about by your low self esteem, when in fact praise should be seen as an opportunity to seize on the positives about you and the people around you.

It’s a gift someone has awarded you because of your positive attributes, and should be accepted as such.

Instead of discounting compliments, because they don’t fit the unhelpful, inaccurate view you see through gloom tinged spectacles, use praise as an opportunity to adjust your belief system.

So the next time somebody compliments you on your appearance or behaviour remember that it’s a gift, so thank them and use it to bolster your positive beliefs in both yourself and the people around you.

Learning how to overcome social phobia and accept compliments can be achieved through cognitive behavioural therapy, a form of psychotherapy developed to help people who are socially anxious recognise their inaccurate, negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful, positive ones.

compliments

Picture courtesy of John Althouse Cohen

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder 

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