Anger Management - How to Express Anger Healthily

May 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

[Image courtesy of e-magic]

The world can be an unfair place at times, with people seemingly conspiring to make your life difficult. When people do something to annoy you ‘losing it’ and venting your fury might seem like a good way of sticking up for yourself. But constantly losing your temper at the merest slight is only going to harm your relationships with work colleagues, friends and family, as well as your health.

Getting angry can be a healthy response when you need to assert your rights. But there’s a difference between healthy anger and the destructive rages that are accompanied by the uncomfortable feeling you’re always at war with the world.

Healthy anger vs destructive rage

Anger is a natural human emotion. And it can be useful when you need to spur yourself into action to solve a problem. But anger becomes unhealthy when it turns into verbal or physical abuse, hatred for other people and your thoughts turn to plotting revenge.

The reasons why you might react in either way are not because of what someone has said or done. But the way in which you have interpreted it.

As with the symptoms of social anxiety, unhealthy anger is driven by unhelpful, inaccurate thoughts. So the trick is to identify what they are and change them.

Why you get mad

There are common reasons why people get mad:

Someone breaks your personal rules about how they should think or behave e.g. pushing in front of you in a cue
Someone threatens your self esteem by being abusive or trying to humiliate you
Frustration when you’re blocked from achieving one of your aims e.g. one of the kids spills juice on your shirt making you late for work

Whilst these things have every right to annoy you, anger management is about controlling how you react by having a more flexible attitude to other people.

Unhealthy anger comes from unhelpful thinking

One of the unhelpful thought processes associated with social anxiety is that of rigid thinking, in which you think that you and other people must behave in a certain way to be acceptable. For example, you might think other people must be polite to you otherwise they’re a jerk. Rigid ways of thinking means that when people fail to reach your high standards of behaviour you feel you’re justified in getting mad.

The problem with rigid thinking is that the world isn’t always fair and other people have their own ideas about how they should behave. Whilst screaming at people because they’ve broken your rules might make you feel better in the short-term, the habit of ‘losing it’ at the slightest mishap is only going to push people away.

Learn to be flexible and have preferences instead of demands

Instead of living by a rigid set of rules that other people must abide by, you need to develop a more flexible attitude that accepts other people’s weaknesses. Think of your standards of behaviour as preferences, rather than demands written in stone.

Appreciate the fact that people are sometimes rude, selfish and make mistakes. If someone pushes in front if you in a cue instead of screaming obscenities at them try to think of their inconsiderate behaviour as reflection of their values and not a personal slight against you.

Remember that it’s not other people who make you lose your temper in an unhealthy way, but the way in which you interpret their behaviour.

Use your anger to assert yourself, rather than self-detonate

If someone is rude or inconsiderate then it’s fine to get angry. But you need to learn how to direct your anger in a more objective way.

Anger can be healthy when it’s used to kick you into action to resolve a problem or to assert yourself in a disagreement.

Assertion is ensuring your opinions and feelings are considered by others. Assertion is not threatening, being insulting or trying to shout the loudest. It’s being able to verbally negotiate to resolve problems in an objective manner that takes your needs and opinions into consideration.

Assertion is ensuring your needs and opinions are considered by others

When you sense the red mist descending try to take a deep breath, count to ten and allow yourself time to objectively assess the situation.

Rather than bawling and stamping your feet, you’ll get more of what you want out of situations if you use negotiation to resolve a problem. Effective negotiation comes from being able to empathise with the other person, seeing the world through their eyes and understanding what has caused them to behave in a manner that has got you annoyed.

When negotiating a solution point out your problem tactfully, empathise by agreeing with what they have to say, compliment them if necessary and then repeat your request firmly.

So for example:

You’re in a crowded restaurant. You’re starting to feel impatient at the time it’s taking to get served and think the waiters are ignoring you. Instead of getting angry, tactfully tell a waiter that you’ve been waiting a long time and would like to be served. If they say they’re busy, compliment them on how popular the restaurant is and then repeat your request politely but firmly. You’ll find that listening and sounding considerate will be a lot more effective than telling them what a useless job they’re doing.

Resolving a problem through assertive negotiation is obviously a much healthier outcome then trading verbal and physical blows.

Anger management can help you be assertive and boost your self esteem

Anger management is about learning to control your anger in a healthy way: through assessing situations objectively, thinking how to solve the problem and using negotiation to assert yourself.

Learning to be more flexible and using negotiation instead of getting mad takes a lot of practice. But the emotional growth from learning how to use your anger to resolve life’s frustrations in a healthy way will improve your relationships with the people around you, and boost your self esteem as a result.

[Cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety identifies the unhelpful thought processes that provoke unhealthy anger. It then provides more helpful, objective and realistic ways of thinking that enable you to channel your anger in a more healthy, problem solving way.]

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy

Why Negotiation is Like a Dance

May 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment

[Picture courtesy of a4gpa]

Following on from previous articles, in which I discussed assertiveness and how to say ‘no’, I’m now going to discuss why you should add negotiation to your growing list of skills. As with overcoming many of the symptoms of social anxiety, negotiation is about maintaining a balance between being fair to yourself and fair to others.

Learn how to change your steps

Social interaction is like an intricate dance. When people want you to think or behave in a certain way they’ll perform steps, using persuasive language and gestures, for you to follow.

If you suffer from social anxiety then you probably fall in the trap of either being too passive, and obediently following their lead, or too aggressive, and refusing to dance altogether.

Being too passive or aggressive are not helpful modes of behaviour. If you’re infected with the ‘disease to please’ then people will take you for granted and might push you around. Whilst getting mad makes it difficult to think and behave logically, hampering your ability to persuade people why they should respect your opinions and priorities.

Learning to negotiate is about learning to nimbly change your dance steps so that you can prompt others to change theirs and have more control over your interactions.

It’s not about winning or losing

Social anxiety is driven by thinking errors that result from low self esteem and negative thinking. One of the common thinking errors is ‘all or nothing’ in which you believe that you and others must behave in a certain way. So if you have a disagreement with someone and want them to change their mind you think that you must persuade them to meet your demands or they’ve won.

It’s a mistake to think that life is about winning or losing. This extreme, inflexible approach is unhelpful and unrealistic. Demanding that other people should always fit in with your priorities, such as agreeing to immediately perform a task for you at work or walk your dog when you’re on holiday, is only going to lead to stress and frustration when people don’t meet your unrealistic expectations.

Instead of making demands that people must fit in with what you want, you should offer some leeway and be prepared to negotiate.

Successful negotiation is about being fair to yourself and fair to others in finding a solution in which you can both, at least partially, get what you want. Finding a balanced agreement is the constructive approach, rather than getting angry or frustrated from thinking that you have to get the better of the other person.

Try asking work colleagues what other priorities they have to attend to before they can perform your task, or arrange to split the dog walking with another neighbour.

Negotiation is finding a solution in which you both gain

When you enter into negotiation, whether it’s with work colleagues or friends, don’t try to get what you want by being aggressive, manipulative or demanding. Instead approach it as an intricate dance in which you’re trying to influence the outcome, but are also prepared to change your own steps to compliment your partner.

Negotiation is about finding a solution in which you both can gain, rather than an ugly confrontation in which you must either win or lose.

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder

How to Say ‘No’ for a Less Stressful or Anxious Life

May 12, 2008 | 1 Comment

[Image courtesy of ganessas]

Feeling that you have to say ‘yes’ to every request for help is a symptom of the ‘disease to please’. Whilst doing favours for people is just part of everyday life, sometimes running errands for friends or covering for work colleagues can be an unfair demand on your free time.

But if you suffer from social anxiety then saying ‘no’ can be difficult because of your fear of displeasing people or being rejected. It’s a mistake to think this way, and living your life running around trying to keep other people happy is not the recipe for healthy relationships in which your needs are respected.

So learning how to be more assertive and say a simple two letter word can be the magic pill to help reduce your stress levels and boost your self esteem.

In my previous post about learning to be assertive, I discussed how you have to take a step back and objectively assess the personal cost of requests before reaching a decision. But just saying ‘no’ is still fraught with hazards if you’re socially anxious or lack confidence.

You have to learn how to be assertive in turning down requests so that people respect your decision.

How to say ‘no’ assertively

Firstly, take a sledgehammer to the people pleasing thought pattern that says you ‘always have to be nice’ and not doing what people ask is selfish. Your free time is just as important as everybody else’s, and if picking up someone else’s laundry means you wont be able to go on your daily jog then say ‘no’. If a request is going to be an unfair personal cost then saying ‘no’ is just being fair to yourself rather than being selfish.

Here are a few tips on how to say ‘no’ assertively to convince others you mean it and are being fair:

If you’re asked to lend someone money and you’re worried they might not pay you back say, “I wish I could, but as a rule I don’t lend money to friends.” Unpaid debts can sour relationships, so sidestep the risk by declining in a way that doesn’t make it personal.
Be helpful by offering suggestions or alternatives to solve the problem - “I’m unavailable that week, but why don’t you ask Ted if he can feed your cat.”
Negotiate around your reasons for declining a request (negotiation is a key assertiveness skill which I’ll be discussing in my next post) - “No I can’t cover your shift this week, but how about you cover for me next Tuesday and then I’ll cover for you the following week?”
Be polite but firm. If they won’t take no for an answer simply repeat your position in different ways until they get the message, or get bored of asking - “As I already said…”
Don’t make up excuses. It’s always better to tell the truth or just say it’s inconvenient. You only have to get caught out once to damage people’s trust in you.
Place a limit on the time you can commit or specify a day. That way you can prevent helping clean out a neighbour’s garage grow into wallpapering their spare room.
Whenever possible, allow yourself time to assess what is being asked of you. Say you’ll get back to them later so you aren’t under pressure to make a rushed decision you might regret later on.
Deciding whether to give a long or short answer can vary, but don’t sound overly apologetic or make excuses. Saying your busy or don’t have time should be enough.

Whilst helping out friends, family and work colleagues can be good karma, being able to say ‘no’ when it’s an unfair drain on your own free time is what you have to be able to do for a less stressful life. Remember that spending time pursuing your goals and priorities is just as important as everyone else’s. So learn to say ‘no’ assertively without shame to overcome your social anxiety fears and cure yourself of the ‘disease to please’.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, meditation, social anxiety disorder

How To Be Assertive Even When You’re Socially Anxious

May 5, 2008 | 3 Comments

[photo courtesy of aurevoirkatie]

Being asked to do favours and to help people out is just a part of everyday life. Whilst being able to decline requests if they’re too inconvenient isn’t a problem for most, if you’re socially anxious then being able to say ‘No’ is fraught with hazards. The trick is knowing how to be fair to yourself in assessing whether to do the favour, and then being assertive in how you respond.

Being assertive is simply being able to voice your own opinions and feelings firmly so that they’re considered fairly by other people. If you suffer from social anxiety then this can be easier said then done because of the fear of displeasing people and being rejected if you don’t fulfil their demands.

Rather than risk being viewed negatively as selfish or unhelpful, you can feel forced into saying ‘Yes’ even when you think a request is an unreasonable drain on your time and energy.

Avoid the unhelpful extremes of passivity or aggression

The problem with being too passive and always fitting in with what others want is that some people will take advantage of your desire to ‘always be nice’ and will simply heap greater demands on you. This in turn will lead to you getting mad with yourself because you’ll feel that you’re constantly running around at other people’s beck and call.

The other extreme is to respond aggressively to unreasonable demands in the false notion that anger equates to strength. When you’re behaving aggressively you lose the ability to think or act rationally, making it even harder to express why you think the request is unfair.

Raising your voice and trying to be intimidating can also have the reverse effect of making other people become aggressive themselves, and the situation deteriorate into the sort of ugly confrontation you’d normally be desperate to avoid.

Relying on anger to protect yourself against unreasonable demands is not how to make friends or influence people.

Assertiveness is about being balanced

As with overcoming many of the problems associated with social anxiety, being assertive is all about being balanced in your thinking and behaviour, and staying away from the extremes of passivity or aggression.

Whether you’re asked to cover for someone at work, lend people money or run errands for them, when people make demands you need to objectively assess the fairness of the request being made. Your feelings, opinions and time are just as important as everybody else’s, so you need to consider whether the requests being made of you are fair. Would you feel comfortable asking someone else to do the same thing?

If after assessing the request and you think it’s unreasonable, because of a high personal cost in terms of time and energy, then in order to be fair to yourself you have to be able to say ‘No’. As long as you’re fair and objective, saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean your selfish or uncaring.

However, actually being able to say ‘No’ presents many challenges in itself. I’ll be offering advice on developing assertiveness skills so people accept your decision in my next article.

Being assertive isn’t about winning, but about getting your point across and ensuring your own opinions and feelings are considered fairly, because they’re just as important as everybody else’s.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, Social anxiety news, anxiety treatment, depression, social anxiety disorder