How to Accept Compliments if You Suffer from Social Phobia

April 29, 2008 | Leave a Comment

In my last post I discussed how to respond to criticism objectively, and in a realistic manner so it wont upset you. This time I’m going to focus on the flip side of the coin, and discuss why compliments should be accepted graciously as a gift, rather than shrunk away from if you’re socially anxious.

The problem with social anxiety, and the low self esteem that can accompany it, is that you tend to view the world through a gloom tinted pair of spectacles. In other words, you tend to only see the negative, unhappy side of things, and discount the bright, positive events in life.

It’s seeing the world through a gloomy filter that makes criticism so painful because you over exaggerate its importance, whilst compliments can feel uncomfortable because they seem so far from how you view yourself or the world around you.

Being praised can also make you feel the focus of attention and embarrassed, when realistically the reverse should be the case.

Dismissing compliments is a thinking error

If you’re socially anxious the tendency is to try and brush off compliments before they have a chance to penetrate the gloomy clouds that follow you around. If somebody was to praise your appearance or your cooking you’re likely to think they were ‘just being nice’, and discount the possibility of them being genuine.

You’ll probably also dismiss the gesture by remarking ‘Oh, this old thing’ when people comment on your clothes, or ‘Oh, I don’t think I was that much help’ when you’ve just been praised for running to your neighbour’s aid.

The problem with pouring water other of people’s shows of appreciation is that, rather than appear like you’re just being modest, you’ll make them feel as though their gift of praise has been rejected, and they’ll be put off offering it again in the future.

Discounting the positives in both you and other people is one of the most destructive habits of social anxiety. It’s inaccurate, unhelpful and just wrong, so learn to start recognising it as a thinking error when it occurs and kick it off the playing field.

Accept compliments as a gift

When somebody compliments you and you feel like dismissing it remind yourself that it’s a thinking error brought about by your low self esteem, when in fact praise should be seen as an opportunity to seize on the positives about you and the people around you.

It’s a gift someone has awarded you because of your positive attributes, and should be accepted as such.

Instead of discounting compliments, because they don’t fit the unhelpful, inaccurate view you see through gloom tinged spectacles, use praise as an opportunity to adjust your belief system.

So the next time somebody compliments you on your appearance or behaviour remember that it’s a gift, so thank them and use it to bolster your positive beliefs in both yourself and the people around you.

Learning how to overcome social phobia and accept compliments can be achieved through cognitive behavioural therapy, a form of psychotherapy developed to help people who are socially anxious recognise their inaccurate, negative thoughts and replace them with more helpful, positive ones.

Picture courtesy of John Althouse Cohen

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder

Coping with Criticism if You’re Socially Anxious

April 21, 2008 | 3 Comments

Social anxiety is rooted in the chronic fear of being negatively judged or insulted. If you’re suffering from the low self esteem that partners social phobia then criticism always seems spiteful and upsetting because it triggers your self punishing, painful thoughts. However, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to live in chronic fear of barbed comments if you can teach yourself how to respond objectively, and even be able to disarm insults like a master swordsman when they occur.

The isolation brought upon by social anxiety is normally partnered by depression and low self esteem. When you’re feeling rotten and worthless your thought patterns and emotions are shrouded in gloom by the black clouds that follow you around. This means that whenever anybody says anything degrading you’re likely to exaggerate its significance, take it to heart and incorrectly think it means you’re a worthless person.

How cognitive behavioural therapy can help

Thinking negatively and exaggerating the significance of the things people say is a thinking error brought upon by your depression, which prevents you from interpreting what people say in a realistic, objective manner.

Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches you how to identify the negative beliefs and thinking errors that make you get upset whenever you’re criticised. You can then learn to recognise unhelpful thinking errors when they occur and replace them with more positive, realistic thoughts.

This obviously sounds a lot easier said than done, and it can take many months to start changing the way you automatically think and feel. However, it has been clinically proven that it can be done, and CBT provides you with a goal orientated framework for overcoming your social anxiety a step at a time.

Once you’re able to assess the things people say more objectively you’ll then be able to apply a more logical approach to criticism and not take it so personally.

Learn how to interpret comments objectively

If there is an element of truth to someone’s comments then you should use it as an opportunity to learn about your mistakes and how you can correct your behaviour. You’re only human after all and will always make mistakes from time to time. And because you’re human you also constantly developing, so criticism can sometimes give you a few pointers to show you how to grow as a person.

On the other hand, if after assessing criticism objectively you think somebody is just being rude or insulting then their comments shouldn’t have the power to upset you. Why should you feel hurt or devalued because of somebody else’s mistake in judgement?

Remember that it’s not the things people say that can make you feel upset - it’s how you interpret them.

How to handle insults

In Dr David D. Burns’ ‘Feeling Good’ (a global bestseller which has shifted over three million copies) he teaches an ‘empathy and disarming’ technique for responding to insults without hurling them back or running home to hide under your bed covers.

Firstly, you have to emphasise with your attacker - objectively assess why they are attacking you. What is the basis for their barbed comments?

By listening and asking for clarification on why they are being insulting, you can calm them down by letting them know that you are listening and can prevent the situation escalating into full scale warfare.

Using empathy is an opportunity to understand if there is any basis to the insults, or if the attacker is just being offensive.

The next stage is to use the ‘disarming technique’ to defuse the situation without losing your temper or losing face. Simply find a way to agree with an aspect of what your attacker is saying, whether you believe it or not, and that way you can disarm their barbed thrusts with the skill of musketeer:

Attacker: ‘You’re a loser.”

You: “Well, I certainly make mistakes sometimes and I’m not the greatest sportsman. There’s certainly areas in which I could improve, but doesn’t everybody.”

Attacker: “You’re a skinny, stupid waster with nothing to offer anybody.”

You: “Yes I could certainly do with putting on some weight, I’m not going to be the world’s next Einstein and I could certainly apply myself better. But I have skills in other areas, just as everybody does, and I have lots to offer the people around me.”

By agreeing, if only partially, with their line of attack you simply take the air out of their sails and divert them from the collision course you’d be heading for if you were to fight fire with fire.

You feel the way that you think, so learn to change your negative thoughts

Being able to identify your positive attributes, rather than kick yourself over your weaknesses, is another skill taught by cognitive behavioural therapy, and is useful in being able to respond objectively to criticism and not take what people say to heart.

The key is to be able to react based on facts, rather than let disagreements deteriorate into name calling or a humiliating retreat.

With practice in learning how to respond in a more realistic, objective manner, you’ll find that the risk of criticism will no longer seem so terrifying, and your social anxiety will recede as a result.

Photo courtesy of Nika

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder

How You Can Overcome the Social Anxiety from Being Bullied

April 17, 2008 | 2 Comments

(Photo courtesy of Steven Fernandez)

The painful memories of feeling victimised, humiliated and isolated as a result of being bullied can hurt for a very long time.

Whilst being bullied can have a massive influence on the way you viewed yourself as a child, that doesn’t mean it has to be the way you think about yourself, or make you feel socially anxious, for the rest of your life.

The impact of being bullied

The problem with being bullied is that it makes you feel rotten, hopeless and depressed. The dark cloud that follows you around then casts a gloomy shadow over the way you view yourself and the world around you.

This can lead to you suffering low self esteem, unable to trust other people and to develop defensive barriers to try and protect yourself against ever being bullied again.

The problem with defensive walls is that they can make you feel isolated because they block other people from getting close to you.

Rather than live a lonely life where you keep everyone at arm’s length, you can choose to take responsibility for recovering from being bullied and changing the negative thought patterns it might have given you.

Bullying is, after all, a primitive form of asserting dominance by ridiculing others, so you need to be able to treat it as such and not exaggerate its importance.

Whether you were picked on because of your appearance or because you said or did something stupid, being bullied because of one thing about you doesn’t mean you’re unlikable, worthless and unacceptable as a whole.

People are just too complicated for that, with too many facets and new experiences developing their characters all the time.

How to overcome it

You firstly have to realise that bullying is unacceptable behaviour, whether at school or at work, and that it wasn’t your fault.

Instead you have to accept that whilst you might have been targeted for ’special treatment’ that doesn’t mean you’re worthless, unlikable or unacceptable because you’re too complicated to be labelled by a single word.

You then need to start building your self esteem and sense of self worth by filling your life with the pursuit of fulfilling goals and rewarding experiences - take up a musical instrument, join a local film club and just fill your life with positively affirming interactions with other people.

CBT is clinically proven to be effective in treating social phobia

This idea of healing your mental scars and developing more positive ways of thinking about yourself and other people might sound easier said than done.

But the practices and exercises used in cognitive behavioural therapy to treat the problems of social anxiety that can arise from being bullied have proven to be effective in numerous clinical trials and have helped thousands around the world overcome their fears.

Becoming more socially active and developing healthy relationships with others might sound daunting.

But do you really want the actions of one ignorant bully to be able to impact how you choose to live the rest of your life?

Posted by Matt | Filed Under Blog, Childhood, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder

15 Million Americans Estimated to Suffer from Social Anxiety

April 16, 2008 | Leave a Comment

It looks as though my overcoming social anxiety disorder website is nearly up and running at just the right time based on the recent news headlines.

In the results of a survey, announced in Businessweek, it was discovered that potentially 15 million Americans could suffer from social anxiety, with it damaging their ability to live fulfilling social and romantic lives.

The fear of encountering hostility or rejection from other people means that millions of Americans are living isolated from their peers.

Some of the findings included:

36% suffer from social phobia for 10 years or more before getting help.
Most started developing social problems in their early teens.
Nearly 60% feel ashamed of their condition.
75% felt their social fears affected their ability to engage in everyday activities.

However, there is a glimmer of light shining between the clouds that are covering so many people’s lives in gloom because the survey also found that nearly 60% were able to build happy love lives after receiving treatment.

We no longer live in the dark ages when it comes to social anxiety - with all the research and clinical studies from the last 50 years providing in-depth understanding into how the condition can be treated.

A combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, relaxation techniques and antidepressant medication can enable people to shed the shackles of their social anxiety and live happy, fulfilling lives.

It’s just a shame that so many people take so long to get help and lose active years of their lives in the process.

Which is why I started this website - to spread awareness on CBT and enable more people to be able to build fulfilling relationships with others.

Relationships free from social anxiety

Photo courtesy of leochi

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, social anxiety disorder

Overcoming Social Anxiety Disorder Site Under Development

April 16, 2008 | Leave a Comment

This new website is currently under development and needs quite a bit of tidying up before it’s ready.

When it’s been give a facelift it will provide weekly articles offering advice on overcoming social anxiety disorder and social phobia using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.

Millions of people currently suffer from social anxiety and probably don’t realize they don’t have a medically diagnosed condition until they become isolated, depressed or turn to alcohol or drugs to alleviate their symptoms.

Cognitive behavioral therapy has become a very popular form of psychotherapy for treating social anxiety and social phobia simply by enabling people to replace the negative thoughts, which provoke their anxiety, with more positive, helpful ones.

Whilst visiting your doctor is always recommended if you’re concerned your social anxiety is damaging your ability to work, enjoy leisure time and interact with other people, cognitive behavioral therapy should be adopted along with any prescribed medication so that you can overcome your social anxiety disorder for good.

Posted by admin | Filed Under Blog, anxiety treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy, social anxiety disorder